secretkept28 (secretkept28) wrote in i_hate_my_ex,

Can I let go?

I have an ex from two years ago that did me in the cruelest way possible. His words can be harsh and laced with sensitivity, so I catch the drift yet not get too offended. His mental abuse escalated by the day, and near the end I was on the verge of self combustion. I am not happy with myself because of him and to this day I wish I never walked down those basement steps in that house where I met him.
In a way I feel I deserve to be treated so harshly, being that he was married. His wife and I began with threesomes, and in the mean time between all the sexual tension I was craving this man was wanting it on the side as well, with just me.
Of course I am sick for what I have done. But I didn't ruin thier marriage. It was doomed from the beginning, and it ended with a big explosion and me stuck in the middle...I was the person who got the finger pointed at. She cheated on him and he cheated on her is how the conclusion of this fiasco finished.
Shortly after he left her, I moved in with him. It was nice at first, until his drinking progressed to a daily routine. The arguing began, and his interesting phone calls that he could not answer with me in the room began to make me wonder. I sensed he began to ignore me unless he wanted sex, and I began to hurt. I felt like I bored him. Then when I tried to do something to make him listen he would say "are you fucking retarded?"
I left shortly after he came home one night after the bar and intended to have sex with me. I gave in, but when it began to hurt I told him to stop. He was being too rough, and when he wouldn't listen I pushed him off of me. I dodged his fist as it went through the door, then he decided to call me a dirty whore and say I am not worth his time.
Even after I left he kept calling me, wanting to spend time with me. He manipulated me with gifts and messages on my phone so I gave in, not knowing that his new girlfriend (who he cheated on me with) was in the picture. Apparently I found out after delivering flowers to a house by his, seeing her car in his driveway, and them kissing outside the porch. That night I cried so hard I thought my insides would spill, and I filled myself up with a bottle of wine and Heineken.
I grew depressed, and tried a hundred different things to get him off my mind. Dating other men didn't help much, because I was insecure and vulnerable to other manipulators. I either fucked it up with jealously or impulses from the previous encounters. It became a pattern where all I wanted was nothing but the same kind of guy he was.
It took a lot of courage but I have tried to let it go since last September. No one knows how much I still hurt from it, even if I bring a little up here and there.
It has been two years since I have spoke to him or even seen him. I hate him so much, to the point where I could kill. A rape victim as well, I seriously feel that I hate him more then my rapist. Is that bad? I don't ever want to see him or talk to him again as long as I live and could care less what his life brings him. He never apologized for any of the pain he has caused and to this day I wait for the one email where he does. And I will keep waiting.
I really need to let this go, because I know many women had it worse than I have? It is like an obsession, where I can't help but think about it at least once a day.

I met this really great guy too. He is a guy friend I used to date when I lived in Petoskey, Michigan. He is sweet and has all the qualities I need. But I am so scared I am going to screw it up because of the pain I am still clinging onto.

Men are irritating, aren't they?

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